Not so much politics as ethics

Politics. People shudder at that word now. I do too. My opinions now are just formed on what I think is right and important, something "politics" doesn't do for me anymore. People can talk and people can write but words just get said and written, and nothing gets done.

I registered on the Pirate Party site today. While this may seem political, it was something more symbolic for me. It was somewhat of a step in taking action. A very small step maybe, but at least I've found a direction to go. What they say they believe in is pretty idealistic, but that's who I am. What they want is the closest any other party has come to matching my preferences. While copyright reform and the such is a big point on their platform, they also recognize education and environment as big issues as well, and government transparency. They don't hate the government, they just want to use the government as an insturment of good, reforming it from the machine that it is now.

As a potential employee of the government, I can't say they don't mean well (the people I have met with at least; can't really speak for the congressmen and political types). Most of the army engineers and NASA engineers are great at what they do and love what they do because they get to help and educate people.

These are the kind of people that need to have serious input in our government; people who know whats going on and who it is affecting. It's like the old engineer and machinist relationship (can you tell what I do?). An engineer can design parts for an aircraft, optimized for the best possible performance, but never see the parts made or even the actual aircraft. The machinist is the one who deals with the practicality of making the part, installing the part, and inspecting the aircraft as a whole once the part is installed. All the engineer must think about is the big picture and how the part will revolutionize the industry. The machinist must deal with every aspect from production to inspection.

Now imagine those two never spoke. Do you think this part will be practical to build? Do you think it will have any chance of fitting perfectly on the aircraft? Chances of this project working are dramatically increased when the two professionals collaborate. The machinist may not know much about aerodynamics, but he'll tell you what the mill and lathe can handle. The engineer may not know what other parts are affected by his, but he'll make it optimized for lift. When the engineer is humbled and the machinist empowered, a sturdier craft is built, one that can fly higher, faster, smoother than any other craft before it.

That may be the cheesiest metaphor, but its the truth. The AH-64 Apache has over 5000 moving parts. It's a testament to the hard work of both sides. If a machine with that many intricate parts (and is unstable by definition) can fly into war and back, think what would happen when the politicians and the people not only coexist, but actively listen. The people are listening, waiting for a response.

That may be a sort of populist way of looking at things, but I don't think so. It's not giving in to people's demands; it's listening to what they have to say and applying input or, in the very least, responding. I want a good reason we can't have copyright reform. Not from the RIAA or the MPAA or any DRM wielding company, but from our governing body. And when I get that reason, I pray I have the courage to find a rebutle. 'Cause it's our right, and we fight for those.

It sounded like a good idea at the time...

So this past weekend was loads of fun. We had guests at our appartyment, fun guests who happened to be of the female variety: one my roomates girlfriend, who shall be named Lucile, and the other a good friend of all of us. Now one would think this post is simply about the culminations of the weekend and the experiences we shared, but that would be cliche for me and lets not go there. 

Instead, I would like to share a certain event that happened at the end of the weekend. If you are an avid reader of my blog (which I'm pretty sure I'm the only one, but thats ok), you will know life couldn't be so simple; relationships must be complex and strewn with mercurial emotions. Can you guess who I'm referring to? That's right, the mutual friend who shal now be named Ruth. I've liked her for quite some time now, after my last post, I think (disregard the one in Feb.). Truth is though, I was a coward then, forming excusses why I could pursue a relationship beyond friendship. Too busy at the time, was working at the time, not in same city at the time, didn't know her very well at the time; at the time, I was basicaly just scared.

 

I told myself I wouldn't wait any longer, however, and I had ready what I was gonna tell her. But before you can say, "she started dating someone else," she started dating someone else. He was a friend of mine, so I just dropped everything and tried to forget about pursuing that relationship any farther than good friends. After all, I wasn't about to stab anyone in the back, especially one of my close friends. 

Time went on and so did their relationship. We all watched the couple we had created (just go with it if you don't know). I tried to fill that void with others, or what I thought was a void, but nothing or no one seemed to work. I mean, I really did try. So for this epoch, I didn't actually like anyone; I just saw people as "potentials," people I might find interesting. Didn't realize this till later though.

Time went on even more and I found myself just drifting through the undulating motions of schoolwork and socializing, almost like a lifeless politician; shake a few hands, sign a few bills. Anyways, a turning point was about to happen. Ruth decides her relationship with friend is not working and cancels it. Initially, I was legitimately sorry for them. After all, at this point I had no more feelings for her and supported her like a good friends does. I was even there for talks about what happened because, of course, I'm the guy friend. Then, like bear crawling out of his cave after hibernation, those feelings for Ruth came back. Not all at once, though; a bear needs to stretch and eat after waking up.

With what little time of school that was left, we hung out frequently. Not alone, but with others. Still, I could tell that I thought of Ruth differently, like before New Year, like before everything happened. It was a very conflicting time; it was like I picked up right where I left off

and I was still ready to tell her what I planned. However, things were different now and there was a nice internal conflict with a monlogue that went something like this,

"Ok self, you know you like her so why don't you just say it like you

planned all along? It'll probably be fine." "Well, she did just break up 

with one of my close friends. What would he think? What would all

of my other friends think? Surely they would think I had felt this

way all along and I was just lying in wait till they broke up." "Don't

think about that stuff, just think about how you feel and what ever

happens will happen. After all, they are your friends and will 

understand." "I hope you are right. I have to tell her."

Yeah, nothing too complicated, just dissonant thoughts. But I was determined to tell her how I felt, but not for the reasons one might think. Allow me to explain.

Remember that void I talked about earlier? Turns out it didn't exist. It was just a spot that I had covered up, not gotten rid of. And we saw how that affected things: I was only able to other people as "potentials" and never anything more. I discovered that because of my nature the feelings I still had for Ruth were blocking me from getting closer to anyone else or rather from wanting to get close. I figured that the best way to move on would be to resolve the feelings I had and the best way to do that would be to tell her so I could move on, reason being that if I told her, there would be no way that any sort of relationship would come from this and hearing that from her would settle things. That wouldn't hurt me, it would actually bring me peace. Never that simple.

Now we are back to this past weekend. We had spent a lot of time together, occasionally just us two. I had so many opportunities to just tell her, but none seemed right. Eventually, the last night rolled around and I built up my resolve: this would be it. It was about 2 AM and we were about to go to bed and I was about to say something along the lines of, "Hey, got a sec?" when Lucile came out of her room and felt like talking. I'll be honest, I was a little frustrated since I wanted to tell Ruth when we were alone, but if anyone had to of been there I'm glad it was her. 

The three of us had some pretty interesting conversations that night, the subjects of which shall not be discussed. Anywho, those conversations went on until about 5:30 in the morning and I finally reached the epitome of frustration at myself. I simply announced I had something to say (or something like that) and had the attention of both parties. Now this next part is unexplainable. I could seriously not easily say what I wanted/needed to say. After much physical strain and metal force I was able to say it. "[Ruth], I like you. There, that's it." The tension in the room reached a whole new level in that split second. Lucile claimed she had known and Ruth said she knew at some point in our conversation that night. I felt a great lifting off my shoulders and very relieved. I was just glad I could do it. But it was 5:30 AM.

By this time Lucile had left us to talk, but seeing as how it was so early in the morning/late at night, neither of us really knew what to say. It was basically me explaining why I had to say this and that if nothing came out of this that would be fine with me so don't worry about my feelings at all, just tell me what you think. And this is the part where the post gets its name.

Seeing as how it was so late, she replied with Wow, this is totaly unexpected, I don't really know what to say, Thank you for telling me. Now that's paraphrased, but that's pretty much all I heard before I went to bed. I went to work the next day with out waking her, so I didn't get to talk to her then and I haven't heard from her since. Why is this a problem? Because telling her how I feel did not yeild the results of what I'm looking for which is resolution. I'm stuck in a kind of limbo where I just don't know how she feels. I need to know if there is something there for her too or if our friendship is not going down that path. And you know what? I can't honestly say anymore that I would be perfectly ok with the latter.  I think I forgot to mention above that after this weekend I saw it a lot more plausible for us to be together and now it is in my head that maybe I have a chance. I mean I'll still be ok with nothing more, but I sure as Hell wouldn't mind being together. 

So here I am, waiting for a response from Ruth, waiting for closure (or a new path...), waiting for a friend to call 

Peace and Love

I'm bringing ____ back

I'm coming back to the blogg. Yay!

So Much for Working

No I'm not talking about my job; I like this. I'm talking about how I sometimes drive away all the good things that come my way. I should realize the good opportunities come after the ones that only look good. 

I'm not saying what I had was bad, though. I really dont know what I'm trying to say. I think it's something along the lines of, "I miss her and I want her back." Yeah, that about sums it up. But maybe this gives me chance with L or C back in AU. We'll see. I don't want to think about it too much but I need to get this out somewhere. So here it is. 

This is proof for the title of this blog.

I'm Starting a Real Job

Not just a job, but a career. I'm going to be contracted and everything! Aerospace industry, here I come! All this with one year of school under my belt.

Finals!

Quite simply, I hate finals.
Calculus: not so bad
Physics: Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0ooo00ooo0o0o
Anthro: meh
Physics: oooooo00ooo000ooo00ooo00oo0o0ooo0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o

Almost out and then I can really update my life on this interweb.

Peace and Mercy

The First Weekend in AUwhile

Dear readers, what a weekend it has been. I know I said I would update Friday after the gymnastics meet, but there was so much other stuff that needs to be grouped together in this single blog entry. I will try my best to not bore you. Here goes nothing:

Like I mentioned earlier, a friend's friends came over from UGA for the weekend. Fun group, but they were a little late. After jokingly harassing them for taking a wrong turn or something, we headed to the meet. The meet wasn't really anything special to be honest. Fortunately there were no elementary kids doing the macarana next to me this time. In fact, it looked a lot better for my friends and I to be sitting next to girls our age, quite a bit better. It was a little disappointing to see our school lose, but it was kind of expected. Next time we will win though, so I'm told.

After watching tiny girls flip through the air and taking notes for some awesome new dance moves, we got hungry and proceeded to a local dining establishment (I don't want to endorse this place since it's a chain). Before I continue there is something that needs to be explained: Some things in the universe are inevitable. Examples of those things are: Playing with fire will get you burned; 2 plus 2 is 4; curiosity will kill the cat; single guys meeting a new girl will always flirt. The latter of those held up Firday night. Why it happens I can't explain, but when I sit next to a girl I think is cute I can't really shut up. What makes it worse is the fact I have never met her before so naturally I had the tendency to share my selective life story (just the good stuff). Yeah, I'm sure it was pretty embarassing, but my friend at the end of the table was putting me to shame in the field of flirtation...kind of. Although my gesture to pay for the dinner of girl next to me was pretty good (all she got was water, so I got funny points, I think). All I can say is thank goodness it wasn't awkward.

Not much else happened that night, nothing I can really remember anyways. I was pretty tired and I needed to go to sleep for the next day.

So get this; I woke up at 7 on a Saturday. It was the Big Event, a huge collaboration of community service projects. Basically its was awesome; I felt like I was doing an Eagle project all over again. We went to a preschool or something and did lots of work on the playground. I had a makeshift wheelbarrow and hauled mulch to the playground. Man that was fun (no sarcasm). After a full morning of work we got some pizzas and headed back to the dorm where I took some quick naps dispersed throughout the afternoon on other people's beds. Now pause that thought while I break out the politics.

I will not vote Obama. I can't bring myself to vote for a moderate. It just doesn't seem like a good idea. I want to know whats going to happen with my country and how can I know that if my leader doesn't even know? Sure he has ideas, but my hunch says they won't be able to pass a Congress who is fairly settled on the left. If Obama makes it on the November ballot, I might be tempted to vote McCain...might...maybe...Ron Paul? Boo politics, lets get back to what happened Saturday.

After I woke up some more we tried to plan out the night. With no such luck, we ate pizza across the hall. I was still a little out of it and not in the most talkative of moods, but I tried seeing as how the female presence had set the course of inevitability. Beign quite the indecissive goup we are, we sat around discussign more ideas for the night when all of a sudded I got a call from a friend in the school of architecture. They were playing a game of man-hunt and were wondering if I wanted to play. Since no one else in our group wanted/was dressed to play man-hunt I ran over to Dudley and quickly ran into some bushes after the game started. Long story short, I freaked out some random guy that looked like the finder. After deciding that was a bad idea, we played a couple rounds of Sardines in Dudley. Yeah it was definately fun seeing all the cool architecture projects just lying around. There was one awkward moment though when it was me and, oh lets say Julia, were the last two finders and we were searching for the group. Someone felt the need to say, "Oh my gosh, I thought you two were just going to start making out!" Imagine a quite room and then an awkward cough and you will be underestamating the awkward level in the room. It did make me think though; Julia is cool and all, but I've always thought of her as a friend. I guess it wouldn't be too weird though if anything did happen between us. It might be even be fun for awhile, just as long as we could stay friends afterwards. Anyways, a quick trip to Sonic and that was the night. A very fun night in fact.

Sunday I slept for ever. I missed church again. It's been eating at me all day. I did go to devotional tonight, but it's not what I needed. Why is there this tugging inside me when it comes to church in the morning? It seems to be harder each week to go. I think it's because I'm afraid of what they'll think and say of me since I haven't been there in forever and haven't been a big participant. Or maybe thats what I want to think the reason is; there's got to be something more. Just 3 more months or something till MO. I really really need it.

I want a pic for this blogg. I might find one later. Time to go play CSI: Auburn and do my Anthropology lab. Yay.

Peace and Love